My eating disorder is constantly shifting, changing. I can feel its slithering, scaly skin under my grip as it squirms. I can tell, that even now it has been so established, it changes. Never is it static, never lets me stagnate. Continuously I find glass ceilings to break; I never allow myself a moment of peace OR quiet.
I think that perhaps this change however, is a good one. I recently started taking Prozac, and I’m starting to think that my eating shift must be connected to this. My eating lately, over the past few days, has been much less horrible. I’ve had much more manageable levels of cravings, I haven’t binged and I’ve even eaten fairly restrained portions. My purging has decreased to around once a day, which is practically a miracle in and of itself. Today I started to binge, and then just stopped. This doesn’t happen, ever. When I begin a binge, I don’t stop until I’ve eaten everything available.
I am hopeful for a couple of things from this situation:
Firstly, I hope this connection between the Prozac and my eating is real. It’s possible that it’s a total coincidence, and that my eating isn’t actually improving. It’s probable that my eating won’t improve steadily, but I’m hopeful that it IS improving. It would be a major step forward to get my purging behaviors under control.
I was chatting with a counselor at the eating disorders clinic in Victoria, who had some interesting theories regarding my specific case of disordered eating. I used to think that I was originally struggling with Bulimia nervosa, and turned to Anorexia nervosa as a solution. Meaning that I had issues with bingeing and purging, so as a solution I stopped eating altogether. This counselor interpreted my eating disorder as being a disorder of restriction. With my overly restrictive eating patterns, I likely don’t get enough nutrients to fuel my body. This fuels my insatiable cravings, and gives me reason to binge and thus, purge. This would change my perspective about my eating disorder so much, and would explain a great deal of my struggles. It would explain why my strategies to get better and to stop purging have been failing; I’ve been trying to combat my eating disorder as if it were a classic bulimic story. But bulimia isn’t a usually restrictive diet. That must be the missing piece in my logic train: I am not a classic bulimic. I have an issue with being overly restrictive, the solution to which is bulimia nervosa. To treat the problem, I must focus on the overly restrictive perspective of food that I possess. I’ve therefore been going about my treatment all wrong! Trying to restrict more is just making my bulimia worse. To treat this disorder, I’ll have to treat the underlying anorexic mindset that I have in place.
This prospect excites me highly, because things are starting to make more sense now. I hope that the Prozac is working. I hope that it continues to work. I hope I hope.