I have come leaps and bounds over the last couple of days, with regards to my bulimia. And notice here the vocabulary used: my bulimia is getting better, but my EATING DISORDER is still hanging around. This is a distinction, as I’m starting to conceptualize, bulimia is not the eating disorder. Bulimia is a symptom of my eating disorder.
My eating disorder encompasses my narrow view of “good” eating. It is a judgement on myself and my eating, and it all ties back to my self-esteem; how worthy I feel I am of eating. And that’s all there is to it. I don’t deem myself to be worthy of eating, so I have constructed a particular viewpoint towards food that allows for bulimia to enter the scene.
So , as you may know, I have just recently started taking prozac, an antidepressant medication that is sometimes used in treating bulimia. I suspected a couple of day ago that it had started working. However, I am now totally convinced of its magical healing powers. I have no appetite! No cravings! No binges! No overeating even! I am able to look at food without being driven mad! It’s an amazing transformation. I feel so happy, so free.
Mu mother raised the point with me that perhaps the prozac was going to take me too far into the world of anorexia. To that I say, yes it may. But it’ll be infinitely easier to treat a straightforward, restrictive, anorexic type eating disorder without the bulimia getting in the way of things. Treatment now becomes a clearcut path towards “eating more” and “having a better relationship with food”. It doesn’t involve binges. It doesn’t involve the self-harming aspect that is purging.
It all feels more manageable today. I can do it.